THE POWER OF POSITIVE SELF-ESTEEM

By Dr. Nathaniel Branden

Of all the judgement we make in life, none are more important than the ones we make about ourselves.

These self-evaluations directly affect the way we act and react… the values we choose... the goals we set… and how we meet the challenges that confront us.

The key to meeting these basic challenges and feeling worthy of happiness is having high self-esteem. Self-esteem’s components:

• Self-efficacy
is our ability to think to learn, to choose and to make appropriate decisions.

• Self-respect
is confidence in our right to be happy, and confidence that achievement success, friendship, love and fulfillment are appropriate to us.

BELIEVING IN OURSELVES

Positive self-esteem is a basic human need. It is essential to normal, healthy development. If you lack positive self-esteem, your psychological growth will be stunned.

Positive self-esteem operates as the immune system of consciousness, providing resistance, strength and a capacity for regeneration. When our self-esteem is low, our resilience when facing life’s problems is diminished.

Example: To contemporary women--who are shedding their traditional gender roles, fighting for emotional and intellectual autonomy, starting their own businesses, invading one formerly male basin after another and challenging age-old prejudices--self-esteem is indispensable. It is not all that is needed for success, but without it the battle cannot be won.

Common Traps: When self-esteem is low, negatives have much more power over us than positives. We are motivated more by the desire to avoid pain than to experience joy. But if we do not believe in ourselves--in our efficacy or in our goodness and livability-the universe is a frightening place.

HIGH SELF-ESTEEM

Women and men who have realistic confidence in their self-worth and feel secure within themselves will most likely respond appropriately to today’s challenges and opportunities.

Positive self-esteem empowers, energizes and motivates. It inspires us to achieve and allows us to take pleasure and pride in our achievements. It also helps us pick ourselves up more quickly after a fall, leaving us with more energy to begin anew.

The more solid our self-esteem, the better equipped we are to cope with the troubles that arise in our careers and personal lives. Characteristics of people who have high self-esteem:

• Ambitious
- People with high self-esteem tend to be more ambitious in what they hope to experience in life—emotionally, romantically, intellectually, creatively and spiritually. They have a strong drive to express the self, reflecting the sense of richness within.

• Goal-oriented
- They seek the challenge and stimulation of worthwhile and demanding goals. Attaining such goals nurtures good self-esteem.

• Communicative
- People with high self-esteem are more capable of having open, honest and appreciate communications with others. They believe their thoughts have value. As a result they welcome clarity instead of fearing it. They want to be understood.

• Loving
- They form nourishing relationships instead of toxic ones. Vitality and expansiveness in others are naturally more appealing to persons with good self-esteem than are emptiness and dependency.

• Attractive
- Self-confident women and men are usually drawn to each other.

LOW SELF-ESTEEM

Characteristics of people who have low self-esteem:

• Fearful of change -
These people aspire to less and, therefore, achieve less. People with low self-esteem seek the safety of the familiar and undemanding. Confining oneself to what is already known serves to weaken self-esteem.

• Non-communicative
- People with low self-esteem become muddy, evasive and inappropriate in their communications because of uncertainty about their own thoughts and feelings. And they feel anxious about the listener's response.

• Insecure
- Like those with high self-esteem, these men and women tend to be drawn to one another. They often form destructive relationships that reflect and increase their essential lack of self-worth.

THE SIX PILLARS OF SELF-ESTEEM

The key virtues, or practices, on which healthy self-esteem depends are living consciously, self-acceptance, self-responsibility, self-assertiveness, living purposefully and personal integrity.

• To live consciously is to be aware of what you are doing. You must seek to understand whatever has an impact on your interests, values and goals. Be aware of both the world around you as well as the world within.
• To be self-accepting is to be respectful and compassionate toward your self-even at those times when you do not admire or enjoy some of your feelings or decisions. It also means consciously refusing to reject yourself.
• To be self-responsible is to recognize that you are the author of your own choices and actions. You are the source of your own fulfillment. No one is going to make your life right for you or make you truly happy or give you self-esteem.
• To be self-assertive is to honor our wants and needs and to look for ways to express them. Be willing to be who you are and allow others to see it. Stand up for our convictions, values and feelings.
• To live purposefully is to take responsibility for identifying your goals. Perform the actions that will allow you to achieve them, and keep yourself on track and moving toward their fulfillment.
• To live with integrity is to have principles of behavior to which you remain loyal in your actions. Keep your promises and honor your commitments.

THE KEY TO A HAPPY RELATIONSHIP

If you hope to achieve a happy relationship with someone, nothing is more important than self-esteem-both for you and the other person. There is no greater barrier to romantic success than the deep-seated feeling that one is not lovable.

The first love affair we must consummate successfully is the one we have with ourselves. Only then are we ready for relationships, and only then will we be fully able to love and to let love in-to accept that other people love us.

Without that confidence, another person’s love will never be quite real or convincing, and in our society, we may find ways to undermine it.

I want to stress that self-esteem is an intimate experience. It resides in the core of ones being. It is what you think and feel about yourself, not what someone else thinks or feels about you.

You can project an image of assurance and poise that fools almost everyone yet secretly tremble with a sense of inadequacy. You can fulfill the expectations of others yet fail your own… or win every, honor yet feel you have accomplished nothing.

The acclaim of others does not create self-esteem. Nor do education, material possessions, marriage, parenthood, philanthropic endeavors, sexual conquests or face-lifts. These things can make us feel better about ourselves temporarily or more comfortable in particular situations. But comfort is not self-esteem.

© 1999 Mental Health America of Hendricks County  All Rights Reserved